I’ve been thinking about this post and how to write it for quite a few days now. It’s about two things I think – my selfishness, and my foolishness.
First off, my foolishness. And please read this and picture me making fun of myself, not crying over my breast pump (although I sometimes do that too). I can’t believe the way I pictured motherhood and they way it really is for me at this point. I guess it doesn’t mean that it’s always going to be this way, and perhaps my foolishness is thinking it was going to be a certain way from the beginning. Anyhow, I pictured myself as this sylish (ha – was I that before having a baby?!) mom, pushing around an angelic newborn, running errands, attending mothers’ group, meeting people for lunch, nursing in public with my cute little nursing cover, dressing my little baby girl in adorably cute little outfits, spending quality time with my husband since he’s home this summer too, watching endless episodes of True Blood and catching up on my Tivoed shows, reading book and after book while nursing my sleeping angel. And speaking of my husband, we planned (after 2 weeks or so) that he’d leave for half the day to go study for his comp exams, which he hoped to take right when school starts back up in the Fall (which is, like, almost now).
Ha! Life is so not that way. I wonder if it is for anyone, or if those women are just fooling people like me? Or maybe the pretty pictures on the boxes of all the baby gear I have fooled me. Or maybe I was just fooling myself. So on to writing about how it really is, and on to Selfishness. I feel selfish even writing this post. My baby is healthy and (hopefully) happy – how are you supposed to know if they always wake up crying and they can’t smile voluntarily or even really look you in the eyes yet? As for the things above and not achieving them – they were probably unrealistic goals anyhow, and she’s just a baby- she’s probably doing exactly what she’s supposed to be doing at this point. In any given day, the average newborn cries two to three hours. That doesn’t seem like a long time, but it is! When she’s sleeping, there are other things I want to be doing (see above) but it just not realistic at this point – you really do have to sleep when they sleep even if that is during the day and NOT at night.
We’re hoping the tongue procedure on Monday helps with a lot of her issues – feeding at the breast efficiently, less gas without the syringe feeding andcoming on and off the breast constantly. But realistically, I may be being foolish about that too – it’s not a cure all. We’ll just have to see. At least at that point we can start making some decisions about her feeding options.
At the end of the day (or beginning – or is it just one long day with no real night?), with all the foolishness and selfishness of mine put aside, this little girl that’s half me and half Ryan is ALL that matters. I hope she knows we’re doing our best for her and love her so much.